Arthur Smith's Quotes

The best way to prepare for a night out with a Shakespearean tragedy is to do a bit of reading up in the afternoon, eat a light supper - perhaps Welsh rarebit - and then arrive early to do some stretching exercises in the foyer before curtain-up.

The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.

The Romantic poets were the prototype ramblers, and I've often found myself following in their footsteps - although perhaps not all of their footsteps since a typical walk for Samuel T. Coleridge might last two days and cover 145km.

When I was eight or nine, I wrote a new version of 'Peter Pan' for the school play. They didn't use it - I imagine it was unperformable - but as recompense for not doing my script, I was offered any role, and instinctively went for Captain Hook. I came on trying to be terrifying, but everyone laughed at me.

When synchronised swimming first appeared on TV, we laughed very heartily, and I, for one, applauded the decision to introduce humour into the Olympics.

When they meet a stand-up comic, people sometimes remark: 'That must be the hardest job in the world.' Among comedians, only Freddie Starr is not embarrassed and slightly appalled by this remark.

Don Quixote's 'Delusions' is an excellent read - far better than my own forthcoming travel book, 'Walking Backwards Across Tuscany.'

About every four years, someone says to me, 'I've got a friend who looks exactly like you.' What can you say to this?

Acting in a stage play is like working the evening shift in an office.

Acting is the most demanding, painful job in the world.

After you've read a novel, you only retain a vague memory of its contents. You remember the atmosphere, the odd image or phrase or vivid cameo.

An uninspiring canvas becomes a glamorous masterpiece when it is reattributed to a better-known artist.

Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners.

Every generation of children has its private hero.

I abhor nothing more than bumping into someone I know on the Tube.

I am 54 and age is slowly writing itself on my face.

I find it hilarious that there are academics who try to analyse chemical changes in the brains of students while exposing them to gags.

I read 'Crime and Punishment' years ago and don't recall the details of it, but I do retain a strong sense of the creeping paranoia and panic.

I see my large nose, like half an avocado. I broke it falling downstairs when I was six, and it now resembles a large blob of play-dough.

I'm an armchair kind of guy, especially when it's raining, which it always is and always will be.

I've always been interested in art.

If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

It is more interesting to be compared to someone famous, because it lets you gauge what perceptions people have about your appearance.

It was Julie Burchill who decreed that, beyond a certain age, a man should not be seen in a leather jacket.

It's worth turning up to an awards gig if you know you've won one but, since you never do know, it's not worth it.

Listening to Chris Moyles on Radio 1 is the most miserable thing any human being can do, but attending awards ceremonies isn't far behind.

My eyebrows could do with a trim.

My sister-in-law believes that few narratives are so tightly constructed that you can't skip boring bits and still keep abreast of what's going on.

Ninety-eight per cent of laughter is nothing to do with jokes, which do not deserve to bear the weight of all the funny stuff in the world.

Obviously I am not bothered about men's fashion - is anyone, apart from Jonathan Ross?

Reading the play at home, however fulfilling, can never be the vivacious experience that Shakespeare intended.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

You are the center of your universe, and you can make anything happen.