If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush administration again.

That's my advice to all homosexuals, whether they're in the Boy Scouts, or in the Army or in high school: Shut up, don't tell anybody what you do, your life will be a lot easier.

It's hard to do it because you gotta look people in the eye and tell 'em they're irresponsible and lazy. And who's gonna wanna do that? Because that's what poverty is, ladies and gentlemen. In this country, you can succeed if you get educated and work hard. Period. Period.

Jobs that cannot be delivered must never be promised. It's unfair to raise people's hopes that way.

You could put on monkeys jumping up and down and get bigger numbers than MSNBC.

Yeah, I'm obnoxious, yeah, I cut people off, yeah, I'm rude. You know why? Because you're busy.

Look, I debate for a living so I don't need to learn any lessons from amateurs.

Lotsa people want to hurt me. That's the price you pay for being a big mouth.

Public misbehavior by the famous is a powerful teaching tool.

This country is a better place because Fox News has succeeded.

The oil companies are regulated by the federal government. They can't drill on land nor in American waters without permission from the feds. Many Republicans want to drill baby drill but what's the point if all the oil goes to China? Increased production obviously doesn't mean lower prices for us.

You want to have two guys making out in front of your 4-year-old? It's OK with them. A guy smoking a joint, blowing the smoke into your little kid's face? OK with them. And I'm not exaggerating here. This is exactly what the secular movement stands for.

Americans will respect your beliefs if you just keep them private.

As the tree is bent, so it will grow.

Dan Rather is guilty of not being skeptical enough about a story that was politically loaded.

Every book has mistakes in them, every one. There's never been a book published without mistakes.

I don't really shout that much.

I'm just a loud Irish guy.

I'm not writing a Ph.D. Dissertation.

I'm pretty busy.