As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison, and other people just hate him regular.

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn; I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Hawk's Nest.' Nobody entered that nest that didn't leave a little richer and a little wiser. And that 11-year-old boy said, 'Isn't that a wonderful thing.' And that's all there is to it.