I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.

Touch'd either the Passions of Rage or Grief to a Miracle.