I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.