A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?