My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.