My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.

A laugh is a terrible weapon.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Hmmm... I never get the answer I think I'm going to get.

I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.

It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.