Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure.

A censor is an expert in cutting remarks. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.

Nobody can be perfect unless he admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?

You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes.

Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure.

A man convinced against his will is not convinced.

As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.

If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else.

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.