The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

The mother-in-law is the centre of a family.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

With wives, men hide behind the air of bravado, which is basically a defence mechanism, I think. Clever creatures, women. Very clever.

I'm often accused of saying some pretty rotten things about my mother-in-law. But quite honestly, she's only got one major fault - it's called breathing.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.

Mind you, I've always been musical... Mother used to sit me on her knee and I'd whisper, 'Mummy, Mummy, sing me a lullaby do,' and she'd say: 'Certainly my angel, my wee bundle of happiness, hold my beer while I fetch me banjo.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I discovered the wife's got asthma. Thank God - I thought she was hissing at me.

I don't mind what the critics say, so long as I get some reaction. The worst thing is to be ignored.

I know my name will always be linked with women.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'