I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.