The thing about democracy, beloveds, is that it is not neat, orderly, or quiet. It requires a certain relish for confusion.

I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part, and discuss it only with consenting adults.

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth.

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse.

It is possible to read the history of this country as one long struggle to extend the liberties established in our Constitution to everyone in America.

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.

So keep fightin' for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don't you forget to have fun doin' it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce.

Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful.

You can't ignore politics, no matter how much you'd like to.

Good thing we've still got politics in Texas - finest form of free entertainment ever invented.

I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics.

You look at the large problems that we face - that would be overpopulation, water shortages, global warming and AIDS, I suppose - all of that needs international cooperation to be solved.

I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years.

And the funny thing is, I've always been an optimist - it's practically a congenital disorder with me.

Behind a smoke screen of high-profile female appointees and soothing slogans, George W. Bush is waging war on women.

I've always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.

Many a time freedom has been rolled back - and always for the same sorry reason: fear.

Some days, I'd feel better with Punxsutawney Phil in the Oval Office - at least he doesn't lie about the weather.

The thing is this: You got to have fun while you're fightin' for freedom, 'cause you don't always win.