Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

I can remember Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you'll find the real tinsel underneath.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

I am no more humble than my talents require.

I don't drink. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.

I have no trouble with y enemies. But my god damn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night.

I think a lot of Bernstein - but not as much as he does.