Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.