I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.