All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

It's all in the mind, you know.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.