The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

There's depth in my comedy.

To my real estate agent, Chernobyl is a fixer-upper.

We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts.

When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter.

When you like something, you find time to do it.

As Americans after 9/11, we're much more united, together as a nation, and we got stronger, better, and more at peace. By peace, I mean the harmony you can feel in our united determination to fight these terrorists and killers.

When I lived in Soviet Union, and they would want to show us America at its worst, they would show us New York Stock Exchange floor, and they would say, 'That's how Americans relax.' They would say, 'Sure, those people have luxuries - like cars and houses and food. But would you want to end up like that?' And I would always say, 'You bet I would.'

If love is the treasure, laughter is the key.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

I believe that love and laughter can only happen when one person takes the time to think about what would cause the other person to feel good.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

My father described this tall lady who stands in the middle of the New York harbor, holding high a torch to welcome people seeking freedom in America. I instantly fell in love.

I fed my ego, but not my soul.

We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.