Dave Attell's Quotes

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

I don't watch reality TV.

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I have no grand scheme.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I never wanted to be famous.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm not like a performer type.

I'm not really a music guy.