Dennis Miller's Quotes

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.