Emo Philips's Quotes

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.