Fran Lebowitz's Quotes

Nothing succeeds like address.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

My favorite animal is steak.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.