Graham Norton's Quotes

In terms of language, yeah we get bleeped and blurred and things, but in terms of content, I would probably say we're getting away with more here than we could get away with in Britain. And that surprised us so much!

It's amazing how I can just ramble on for hours, isn't it? And so unentertaining or uninteresting. But I can ramble on for hours. It's a sort of terrible gift, isn't it?

My ambition was to stop waiting tables. That was how I measured success: finally, I was able to stop waiting tables, and I was able to pay the rent, and that was by being a stand-up comic. Not a very good stand-up comic, but good enough to make a living.

My mobile rang around lunchtime one day, and it was George Michael. He wanted to come in on Friday. We were like, 'okay, if that's what you want'. And he was a very good guest. That's a real exception to the rule.

Some people think they're depressed and they go to the doctor and want pills. And you just think: 'You hate where you live, you've lost your job, your boyfriend has dumped you, could all this be why you're depressed?'

The people I want are very famous and very rich, and all I can offer them is a bit of exposure on TV and a bit of cash, so it's a miracle we get any guests at all. But we have been very lucky.

All these people I interview are worth ten times what I'm worth.

I do get pleasure from very inconsequential things, like shopping for clothes.

The only people who are desperate to go on the show are people we're desperate not to have on the show.

A comedian's a comedian. They're a very kind of cynical bunch. I guess that's why I like them.

An awful lot of female celebrities are very beautiful whereas a lot of male celebrities are not so hot.

Britain's such a twisted, weird little place.

Do I have more depth than I'm given credit for? No!

I always say I'd rather be miserable by myself than unhappy in a relationship.

I am camp. Lots of gay men can't cope with their campness. They are in denial about it.

I am really bad at actually interviewing people.

I am very quick to judge.

I bet Maurice Gibb's heart monitor was singing the tune of Stayin' Alive.

I don't think anyone wants to be gay.

I don't think I've got bad taste. I've got no taste.

I don't think you should have to try to be nice, I think most people are nice. I think being cheerful and nice is just a politeness.

I have nothing to say about my childhood. It was a perfectly pleasant upbringing - it's not like it was unhappy or anything.

I loved Lucille Ball growing up.

I think the word is adult!

I was a failed actor but I still wanted to show off, so I ended up doing live comedy.

I'd like to retire at 50 but I don't want to sell papers in the middle of London on a Zimmer.

I'm actually quite self-sufficient, so it might look as if there isn't room for anyone in my life. That isn't entirely the case.

I'm often dating people, but I don't say it because you sort of know it won't last long.

I've so exceeded what I ever wanted to do.

If it was possible for me to adopt, I probably would, but no one's going to let me adopt.

If you'd told the young Graham Norton that I'd one day have this amount of money, I'd have assumed it would have come from a lottery win.

Now, therefore, the Directors of the company are hereby ordered to see that precautions are taken to make travel on said railroad perfectly safe by using a screw with at least twenty-four inches diameter.

The Supreme Court of the United States is hereby commanded to try Andrew Johnson for usurpation of our Imperial authority and prerogatives, and if found guilty, behead him or send him here to black the Emperor's boots.

To Mr. Seward: It is my desire that, in case Maximillian will surrender, he be sent here a prisoner of war, but that in the event of his continuing the war, or refusing to surrender, then he be shot.

We do hereby command the Leaders of the Hebrew, Catholic and Protestant Churches to sanctify and have us crowned Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico.

We further decree that the Senate of the United States elect a prominent Democrat as their presiding officer, to act as President until the next election, and to reconstruct the Cabinet according to our wishes hereafter to be declared.

We, Norton I, do hereby decree that the offices of President, Vice President, and Speaker of the House of Representatives are, from and after this date, abolished.