Groucho Marx's Quotes

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.