Henny Youngman's Quotes

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Take my wife... Please!

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.