Jeff Foxworthy's Quotes

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.

There's no down time any more.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?