Jim Gaffigan's Quotes

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I just want to be known as funny.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.