Joan Rivers's Quotes

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

I was not an attractive child.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Never floss with a stranger.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.