Jokes Quotes

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

The White Company offers its loyalists an altogether better, whiter world. The White people have edited out any colours that aren't white, off-white, milk chocolate, grey, taupe or black. They can't be doing with Johnnie Boden's cheery Sloane jokes, his spots and stripes, his occasional 'if it's me, it's U' loud colours.

I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.

I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on people and be sarcastic.

Gayness is a non-issue.

There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a bit frightening to think that all I'm doing is jokes and yet someone hates me that much.

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

My best jokes are so cheap. All I do is say things sarcastically.

I'm the youngest of four, and I'm always the clown - making the jokes, wanting attention.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I love my jokes.

My favourite things are jokes, friendliness and feeling comfortable.

I tell the most horrible jokes.

I'm a fun person. I like cracking jokes and being completely nerdy.

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

Really, I'm pretty laid-back, always cracking jokes.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Dwarves are still the butt of jokes. It's one of the last bastions of acceptable prejudice.

When you have a couple hundred people in one huge space, that's gonna lead to jokes and it's a breeding ground for practical jokes and teasing.

I'm a plethora of stolen jokes and kitschy references.

Evolution has programmed our brains to find two things particularly interesting, and therefore memorable: jokes and sex - and especially, it seems, jokes about sex.

I'm not even really a joke-teller. I can do ad-lib and banter, but I don't do jokes.

Johnny Carson started the jokes about me and Marlin in his monologues.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

I'm really bad at writing jokes.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I've never really told jokes. I'm not good at it.

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes, the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.

People make jokes about how black people are the first ones to be killed off.

Don't make jokes about food.

The shouting and opinion and jokes don't exist if there isn't first a story.

I enjoy life. I always enjoy jokes.

I've included these little jokes and mysteries in my writing for the amusement of readers.

Jokes are grievances.

When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

People appreciate it when you take some time to think about who will be listening to your jokes.

Jokes are better than war. Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars. Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.

Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude.

I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly.

I'm not built for war. I'm built for entertainment. I'm built for jokes - either telling them or being the butt of them.

I don't see anyone avoiding the Stones because DJs make jokes about them being a part of the Geritol set. All it does is make the DJs look stupid.

But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake.

I tell a lot of fart and poop jokes. I can't help it. I have no filter, and it just comes out.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

I told jokes badly.

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues if there is some dissent, some conflict.

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

I was the kid who always hung back and then dropped the jokes when you least expected it. Timing was everything. My mouth sort of developed over time.

I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.

We were watching the first series recently, and it has a charm, a kind of amateur charm. At that point we didn't involve ourselves technically at all - we just messed about and told our jokes - and it looks a bit like that.

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes.

If you were on the phone with me and Tommy right now, we would probably forget you were there, we'd just be cracking jokes. It's like Beavis and Butthead.

I grew up in an environment of jokes and sarcasm and puns. I talk that way, so I write that way.

Vegas has the Whitman's Sampler of audiences. They come from all different places, so you have to do some crowd psychology. You have to find the heartbeat of the room. It doesn't shift my jokes, but it shifts my timing and my attention.

For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.

I do love jokes.

Zac Efron is like a brother who's just goofy and crazy. He plays a lot of practical jokes.

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.

It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.

A lot of the jokes had some build-up to some nasty stuff. But most of it was all character situations leading to what the ultimate payoff would be for that character.

It had more layers than an onion. These writers meant business. There was a level for everybody. Your major could be celestial mechanics, and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes.

Times change. The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

I don't do jokes. The characters are my jokes.