Larry David's Quotes

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

I have no secrets.

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

I have reservations about everything I do.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

I'm anti-cheese in a salad.

I'm cranky.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.

I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Let's not forget, I got divorced.

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

Most people think I'm immodest.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

You know, I'm really not that bright.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.