Mitch Hedberg's Quotes

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!