Phyllis Diller's Quotes

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.