Rita Rudner's Quotes

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Life is like dancing. If we have a big floor, many people will dance. Some will get angry when the rhythm changes. But life is changing all the time.

Don't Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Don't Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Every human is an artist. The dream of your life is to make beautiful art.

Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love.

Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Always do your best.

Be impeccable with your word.

Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive - the risk to be alive and express what we really are.

Be Skeptical, but learn to listen.

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.

Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.

Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.

It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home.

Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness.