Rodney Dangerfield's Quotes

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.