Steven Wright's Quotes

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

How young can you die of old age?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

So, do you live around here often?

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

What a nice night for an evening.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.