W. C. Fields's Quotes

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

I never met a kid I liked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I like children - fried.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.