Wilson Mizner's Quotes

Failure has gone to his head.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

You sparkle with larceny.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

God help those who do not help themselves.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

Art is science made clear.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.