I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.